Autism parents need to be science-literate

Today’s incoherent White House press conference underscores how important it is for autism parents to understand the nature of science. When Shahla and I wrote our book, Responsible and Responsive Parenting in Autism: Between Now and Dreams, we thought that science literacy was so important that we made that the first chapter of the first section.

I’m giving away the text below, but throughout our book we boost scientific literacy in autism parenting — more vital now than ever. If love someone with autism, please buy our book for their caregivers.

In the beginning

…with your courage and with your compassion and your desire, we will build a Great Society. It is a society where no child will go unfed, and no youngster will go unschooled.
– Lyndon B. Johnson

During the 1960s, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a war on poverty, racism, and ignorance. The subsequent initiatives were concentrated in education and public human service reforms. Experimental psychologists, among other groups, responded to society’s call for change. These psychologists had curious natures, big hearts, and believed in change. Their good work set a new path for understanding human development and changed the world we live in, particularly for people with autism and their families.

The zeitgeist of this call for a Great Society reflected both hope and action to make the world a better place. The early experimental psychologists (later called operant psychologists, behavior scientists, and applied behavior analysts) were among the Great Society’s trailblazers. They ventured into institutions where no one else cared to go. They believed that change was possible for the people whom the rest of society had abandoned and forgotten. Using scientific methods, they discovered and demonstrated meaningful change. The science of applied behavior analysis advanced some of the highest forms of learning about ourselves and the world around us.

To understand applied behavior analysis, it is helpful to start by acknowledging the general nature and limitations of science. Scientific knowledge and findings bring new possibilities and meaning to our lives, but that knowledge also has parameters.

Scientists build knowledge in a progressive, intentional way. They direct their search with purpose and a deep regard for collective understanding among other scientists. In any discipline, scientific understanding is in a constant state of reflection and change. After splitting the atom, for example, physicists are diving ever deeper into the nature of matter.

Scientists use formal systems of study in their search for knowledge. This formality allows them to work collectively, using methods and rules to detect patterns in nature. Their methods and rules also guide their thinking about those patterns, what the patterns might mean, and how the patterns relate to one another. This formality, for example, allowed physician David Ho, an HIV researcher, and mathematician Alan Perelson to team up to solve a pernicious problem: the virus’s drug resistance. They discovered that a three-drug cocktail helps patients live long lives and avoid AIDS, the late stage of HIV infection.

The more that any science moves into real life, that is, the more it is applied, the more it can improve the well-being of people and society. The basic research into the nature of the HIV virus, for example, jump-started the applied research that allowed the quick development of effective COVID-19 vaccines.
In human behavior, applied behavior scientists develop methods to understand how people behave when changes occur in physical or social environments. They also study the issues that matter to humanity right now. In this work, they are obliged to build knowledge and improve conditions for the people who need the benefits of that research in the first place. In other words, ethics and science are in a constant, intertwined dance.

Science is both wonderful and frustrating. Scientists learn great things, but the knowledge always comes with more uncertainty. In addition, the methods used to gain that knowledge have sometimes produced pain and trauma. For example, evolutionary biology produced some of the knowledge to develop COVID-19 vaccines, but the work also produced eugenics (which promotes selective breeding of human populations to change genetic composition). Modern obstetrics allows for the healthy delivery of twins, but many practices were learned through experimenting on the reproductive organs of Black enslaved women who received no anesthesia.

Discoveries about the autistic brain reflect basic research with a dark history, too. In recent decades, several families have selflessly donated brain tissue after losing their autistic loved one. The information helped reveal patterns that led to scientific discoveries after researchers compared the tissue to a world data bank—a data bank of brain tissue first built by doctors of the Third Reich.

Similar tensions have emerged in autism intervention. These tensions revolve around identifying what behaviors should be changed and why, and under what conditions. Both science and society are negotiating and understanding how to proceed so that the work retains dignity, fosters well-being, and balances the needs of individuals and communities.

These realities remind us that scientific discovery is both a social and political act, and each scientist’s pursuit comes in its own social context. Why does this matter? To live and thrive in our sophisticated world, we benefit from understanding science and how it progresses and that includes the science around our child with autism. As we learn new things about the world of autism and begin to make decisions for our child, we will find much evidence, promise, discussion, debate, anger, and trauma. It’s confusing, so we may be easily lured away by the person or group that says they have the answer.

In the midst of this we can remember that good professionals rely on families to learn, too. Clinicians can apply the scientific method to their practice, following both systematic rules and ethical responsibilities. Parents have information that can guide this applied science, to ensure that their child is on a path to become the architect and agent of their own life to the greatest degree possible and balance their rights and responsibilities as they grow up in the community.

Looking at the early studies in autism can elicit both smiles and shudders. The first study that showed true possibilities involved a young autistic boy named Dicky. The life that Dicky and his family experienced before treatment was harsh: severe distress, a lot of medication, probably very little joy, and Dicky’s possible removal from home. Taking one set of goals at a time, operant psychologists Montrose Wolf, Todd Risley, and Hayden Mees at the University of Washington worked with Dicky in the early 1960s. First, they collaborated with his family and considered what was likely to improve his life as well as what was making his life difficult. Dicky was not reduced to a label or diagnosis to be treated. He was a child with things to learn and things to change. Their work was scientific: they conceptualized, controlled, and documented the work they did and the progress they made. During the intervention, Dicky initially spent a lot of time in seclusion as a consequence for some of his behavior (shudder). He was also gently guided, step by step, to wear glasses that prevented him from going blind (smiles). Even in the context of a new and somewhat crude science, a kind of miracle occurred in Dicky’s life. Dicky and his family found joy. Together with family and professionals, this young boy forged an independent, happy life, free from the harsh ways of institutional confinement. At the time, people had thought such an outcome was impossible.

Since that time, researchers have discovered ways to reduce both distress and the use of seclusion as well as to increase the time spent in quality teaching. Science progressed. In its collective and intentional way, science has helped us learn that a child’s tantrum is a form of communication. Dicky had tantrums. The professionals and parents worked with Dicky step by step to help him communicate, thereby reducing the conditions that left Dicky hurting himself. Applied behavior scientists have since built a body of knowledge that develops ways to communicate, rather than relying on punishment to reduce problem behaviors. We’ve come a long way.

Yet, science remains political. Some behavior analysts have been paid to stop autistic children’s behaviors that bother people. Because these practitioners were kind souls, they spent significant time figuring out how to do that in a loving way. But our society does not place much emphasis on building new behaviors until there is a problem. We often wait and respond to a problem, rather than working toward a dream. That means that systematic knowledge of how we shape complex language and make friends has not developed as rapidly as how we reduce problem behavior, even though this is part of what early researchers were learning. That’s on us, as a society. We need to be part of the evolution of what science studies and learns to change.

Still, the pioneering work with Dicky set the precedent for a particular way of having hope and making progress. After the 1964 publication documenting Dicky’s progress, a flurry of determined activity followed in the late 1960s and the 1970s. Behavior scientists replicated and extended the first experiments with more experiments. They developed additional, more powerful ways to change behavior for the better. Researchers determined which behaviors to target and how and when to change them to affect the course of a child’s development. Starting with Dicky in 1964 and culminating in 1973 with key findings by O. Ivar Lovaas, Robert Koegel, James Q. Simmons, and Judith Steven Long, scientists demonstrated that children with autism and other disabilities could learn.

Until the early 1970s, children with autism and other disabilities were often institutionalized. Television journalist Geraldo Rivera broadcast a jarring exposé nationwide in 1972, calling these institutions “the last great disgrace” of human civilization. A year later, in 1973, Lovaas and his colleagues demonstrated the power to change behavior for the better in many children. In one of the sadder notes from this period, they also showed that the progress disintegrated when the children returned to institutional life. Most of the children lost nearly everything they had gained.

Then came Lovaas’s breakthrough study published in 1987. Lovaas and his students revised the protocols and procedures from the earlier studies. They worked with younger autistic children, and they worked with intensity and vigor. They involved the children’s parents. They worked for hours every day, wherever the children were, whatever they were doing, and whomever they were with. In other words, they made the behavioral intervention as pervasive as the difficulties.

In 1996, Catherine Maurice’s book Let Me Hear Your Voice increased popular understanding of this new kind of intervention. She explained the research by describing, with detail and nuance, the work with her two children diagnosed with autism. Maurice sought information and allies when her children were preschoolers. Therapists came to their home for many hours each day to work with them on hundreds of skills, including learning to imitate, to speak, and to use the toilet. The therapists responded to the children with warmth and enthusiasm as they systematically planned small steps of rapid progress. They also worked with the family.

When her book debuted, readers were astonished by the outcomes possible for children with autism. Maurice acknowledged Lovaas’s pivotal role in charting the possibilities, even as she had reservations about some of the methods. Because she had written her story in a way that allowed people to better understand the science and practice of applied behavior analysis, the book created a broad demand for autism services, a demand that has continued. That demand, in turn, created a marketplace.

The ‘many-wrongs’ principle

Yesterday, I called my old friend, Donna, to catch up. Soon I was bouncing an idea off her. She’s smart, and instantly finds the holes when thinking or writing about something. I told her I’d been reading the research literature on social networks and stumbled across the idea of the ‘many-wrongs’ principle.

If there’s an idea that gives you permission to be wrong, and for everyone around you to be wrong, well, I couldn’t pass that by. Donna agreed.

It took awhile to piece together the research that lead to this particular paper. But, while combing through citations, I found a webpage that introduced the ‘many-wrongs’ principle to triathletes. This was getting exciting, albeit in utterly nerdy way.

I finally laid my hands on the origin story. In the mid-1960s, zoologists in Finland used radar images and film to painstakingly trace the migration of certain ducks. From what they knew about the individual talents of the birds, they couldn’t explain how they replicated their flight path each season–especially when considering storms, winds, fog and topography. Yet, they proved that, when traveling in large flocks, the ducks flew nearly the same path every year, differing only by a degree or two each time. Other scientists recognized their discovery. They called it the “many-wrongs” principle.

The idea was exciting, but scientists had to abandon the line of inquiry because they didn’t have the technology to do it. Hand-tracing flight patterns from film and radar images couldn’t be that technology.

Decades went by. The idea was almost lost to time. Research into bird migration continued and then stalled. Scientists knew a lot more about the vagaries of migration and the individual capabilities of birds, for example:

“geomagnetic compass precision is reduced near the equator and the poles; stellar rotational cues are unavailable for much of the year in the polar regions; solar cues vary with season and location; navigational errors can be compounded by wind drift; correctional mechanisms can reduce directional bias but add their own random errors. Even if orientation cues were absolutely reliable, flawless navigation would require perfect sensory interpretation and integration of cues by individual [birds].”

But they were farther than ever from answering the question. How did birds migrate with such precision? Another scientist unearthed the old idea. He argued it was time to figure out how many wrongs could make it right.

Soon, other researchers were working on the math, and thus the robustness, of the principle. (As I have argued in this space before, the universe speaks in calculus.) Their study used simulations of people randomly walking from one point to another.

The magic measurement was a radius for the behaviors that suppress individual error in group cohesion. There was a radius for “collision avoidance”, and one for “orientation interaction” and another for “group cohesion” – thus the influence of your neighbor. There were no “leaders” or “more experienced navigators,” even though it is possible to model the following of experienced navigators and it is known to happen.

Renewed interest in the many-wrongs principle has fed new discoveries, including the understanding that humans also tend to navigate better in groups. Triathletes will swim with the group to improve their navigation in the open-water leg of the competition. When survival is the goal, there is intelligence in the tactic that you select.

Researchers also found that when the environment is turbulent, there seems to be no benefit in staying with the group. It’s logical that when conditions are turbulent, it’s going impair a group’s cohesion. But it’s also really sad. That’s when I realized this principle is also one of poetry.

Right now, our path is unmarked and unclear. But we’ve also been here before. Nature is our best guide when we watch carefully and follow her principles. Many-wrongs requires only that we come together to move in the direction we want to go.

It shouldn’t have taken this long

Yesterday was a banner day. I swapped the old Texas tags on the truck for new California plates. The transition took a long time. It took longer than getting a new driver’s license. It took longer than processing my voter registration. It took longer than securing my Golden Bear state parks pass.

This started in January when I drove to a smog check station. The truck passed, but the tech said he couldn’t find the number on the catalytic converter. I said it was repaired in Texas and had passed smog there for several years. He said that I might need to replace the converter. He wasn’t allowed to issue a smog certificate unless he could see that number or there was a sticker in the door frame from the smog referee.

Wut?

I took the truck to a repair shop and told them the sad story. The owner called me the next day to say that he’d called three reliable suppliers and couldn’t find another converter. The truck was just too old. He said maybe the smog referee could help.

This was the second time someone spoke of this magical wizard, smog referee.

About six weeks later, I drove to a hard-won appointment inside the auto shop classroom complex at Modesto Junior College. One of the instructors was a smog referee. He saw the problem right away: the catalytic converter was installed upside down. He said it needed to be reinstalled right-side up. After making that repair and replacing a pair of hoses, I could get on his dance card again.

That took another month. But as he applied the magical approval sticker inside the door frame, he explained why he was called a referee. I was playing the game right. But they had to call foul on the truck because the converter was upside down. Even though the techs likely did that to better clear the cage that keeps it from getting stolen, doing so also makes it more likely to start a grass fire. That’s also part of the game. People steal converters for the precious metals; other people install unauthorized converters. To be fair to those with antique autos or a repaired converter, especially newcomers like me, they call in a referee.

Victory in hand–or so I thought–I drove straight to the DMV to register. The title was still in Mark’s name. I collected the paperwork to transfer it to my name, but the agent refused. I told her I brought the paperwork on advice of another agent there. She said that agent was wrong. She said that I needed to fix this problem in Texas. I told her that I didn’t have a Texas address anymore, how could I possibly fix this? (That’s fraud prevention 101: States don’t issue vehicle titles to out-of-state residents, and titles don’t get forwarded in the mail.) She lost her temper and left the counter. I stood there, blinking back tears for several minutes while she pretended to do something a few desks away. She wasn’t escalating to a manager. She came back with a sticky note that had the main phone number for the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles. Gobsmacked, I left.

When I got home, I called the number. I would have laughed darkly, but I felt for those Texans who call and wonder whether any live person answers in that bureaucratic maze. I just couldn’t laugh. Eventually, I found my way to a state employee who decided to be the title referee that day. She came up with a Plan A and a Plan B to solve the problem.

A month later, the replacement title arrived via my son and daughter-in-law, who still live in Texas and where I “reside” when I visit.

Back to California DMV for my third time at bat. Just to put the best bow on the experience ever, the Modesto streets department closed nearly every route leading to the DMV yesterday. Only because of my many, many, many visits already did I manage to get into the parking lot from the one remaining back alley street entrance.

The agent who helped me yesterday must’ve seen something in my face. She looked and looked at that title. I tried not to panic. I told her I had to fly back to Texas to cure it–you all weren’t going to register the truck otherwise. She finally stopped looking and started typing.

Sam and I recently started sharing “the best thing that happened today” over dinner. I told him he might think that the best thing that happened today was getting California tags on the truck, which Sam cheered, of course. But actually the best thing was this: the DMV could have assessed five or six months worth of penalties and backdated the registration to December. But the agent quietly waived it all. A small gesture, but lovely nonetheless.

 

 

 

Stuff

Years ago, a dear friend said to me, “Three moves are as good as a fire.” She was updating old Ben Franklin (“three removes as are as bad as a fire”) as I was recounting our family’s many moves. We went from California to New York and back, with a summer stop in Colorado in one year. Then, suddenly we were gone to Texas the following year. Even with three children, we didn’t accumulate a lot of stuff with all those moves. We moved twice more before settling into the farm house we’d planned as our forever home. (Spoiler alert: it was not.)

Today, that meaning feels a little out of place against the Los Angeles wildfires. People there are grateful to escape with their lives, since at least 28 have died. They lost their homes and important belongings. Some were meaningful to a single family or small group, while other items were an important part of our creative life and history. Losing things in a wildfire gives them a different meaning.

We can accumulate a lot over a lifetime. Our family started amassing stuff after we settled into the farm house, especially with hand-me-downs from the family ranch. Mark’s grandmother had moved into a nursing home and his mother invited him to go get things we needed. He drove a U-Haul out to West Texas and filled it with furniture and other household goods. I doubt his Mio and Dio were thinking “family heirlooms” when they bought that ranch oak dining set and all the bedroom suites. But inheriting those things saved us thousands of dollars.

When Mark’s Aunt Regina died, it was time to clean out another family home. She lived in that house for 70 years, inheriting and acquiring a lot and culling very little. Preparing for the estate sale was painful. Friends and family helped, but we also had to change the locks after the housekeeper walked off with the firearms. Another gal wore out her welcome rifling through the storage shed. She took many, many items that she planned to use to open an antique store. And still a junk dealer needed a crew, two full-size pickups, a cargo trailer, and an entire day to empty that shed. And I filled another U-Haul with items from the house. We loved Regina dearly and she knew how to have fun, but we really didn’t need any of the things we brought home. Suddenly, my sewing room stash looked like the haberdashery on the Great British Sewing Bee. The Christmas closet overflowed with decor, so much so that we never again displayed it all.

Then, a friend called me for the same kind of help. A mutual friend had died. His only daughter was overwhelmed by the prospect of cleaning out his house. Four of us put on our work gloves to help. His kitchen appeared to have one of every item sold at Williams-Sonoma, including a jalapeno corer. At least two booksellers went through his collection and bought hundreds of titles, leaving hundreds more behind.  It took weeks to prepare for the estate sale, including staging his late wife’s craft room like a pop-up creative reuse store. His daughter was happy to have distributed all of her father’s things in a meaningful way and still be able to pocket a few thousand dollars. But those back-to-back experiences were eye-opening.

So when the brother of my oldest friend died, I knew she’d need help. He left behind the family home with three generations of furniture, collections and heirlooms. We first met up at Round Top, Texas’s famous antiques fair, to see whether a furniture dealer would be interested, since all the pieces were gorgeous. We learned that there are trends even in the antiques world. My friend had already discovered that her brother’s massive stamp collection no longer held much value. But we were surprised to learn that something as functional as furniture was sensitive to trends, too. For example, once TVs became flat screens, people stopped buying 100-year-old armoires to hide them and started buying mid-century buffets to display them.

Eventually, my friend stopped trying to find dealers and hired an estate sale company. I drove my pickup to South Texas for several weekends to help her get ready. She brought her pickup, too, and kept track of how much we hauled to the town dump over the summer–nearly 1.5 tons of stuff from the out-buildings and the house that we knew wouldn’t sell. The estate company still worked for another month to stage everything for a weekend bender of a sale.

She took a few heirlooms back home with her. I didn’t plan on accepting, or asking, for anything. Then I stumbled on an old set of sturdy steak knives still in the box. Ours were breaking at the handle, so with my friend’s blessing, I threw that little box in the pickup and took them home.

I’ve been thinking about another friend who culled what she owned until it all fit into a couple of suitcases. The fire that rolled through her life was a metaphorical one, but her response was primal–preserving the basic human freedom to move about. In my head, the case for accumulating stuff was crumbling. The things we accumulate will likely never be worth what they cost, even in a collection. It also takes enormous effort to re-distribute all that we gather over a lifetime, a burden some of us seem to leave behind.

We all need tools, and some lives need jalapeno corers. We all need to connect to beauty, too. The things we accumulate can help make those connections, but sometimes, oftentimes, they get in the way instead. Downsizing helped us think about why we should carry something with us, bringing a newfound appreciation for the things we kept, with an even deeper meaning for the things we let go.

 

Seek community

The January 2025 calendar went up on the fridge a few days ago and I’ve penciled in three social dates so far. Both Sam and I have been thinking a lot about community lately and how to connect to our new place–leaving after 30 years in the same county will do that to you. Sam said he wanted to join me this year in making a New Year’s resolution about community.

For several years, I’ve been making resolutions by distilling big ideas into little statements. Buy Nothing. Yes, Please. Wear an Apron. Take It to All Four Corners. This seems to work better for me than the standards, like ‘exercise’ or ‘lose weight.’ This year, it’s Seek Community. I’ve been listening to KCBP, Modesto’s community radio station, (yep, already toured it and met the general manager) and getting lots of good ideas. We missed First Day Hike today. Sam had to work. But next week is a citrus gardening class with the extension office. And, the temporary digs for the downtown library open next week too, so I’ll drop in and see whether they need a volunteer for that herculean effort (the remodeling is supposed to take two years to complete). Then, mid-month, a well-established writing group has a poetry event at the local bookstore.

Sam is thinking about making a resolution bingo card instead of an aspirational statement. It seems more compatible with the gentle way he moves through the world. He can fill the grid with smaller items (e.g., take Fang to a new dog park, chat with the barber, go to adaptive rec’s Friday Night Out) and then we can create little celebrations as he bingos his way to a  sociable life here.

Thanks to his elementary school guidance counselor, we’ve thought about Sam’s circle of friends. Mr Ball was intentional about fostering friendships between the kids. Oftentimes, people with disabilities don’t have many people in their innermost circle. Friendships with people at clubs and church and work tend to form the next circle out. To be sure, those connections can be a place to find and cultivate deeper friendships. But as we settle in here, we are also coming to appreciate those connections for another important quality they bring: a sense of community belonging.

A parade float draped in Christmas lights rolls by as Sam and I flip the camera for a selfie. Behind the float is one of Modesto's historic buildings, a four-story brick building with a grid of windows. The night sky is lit by the moon, blurred by light clouds.

Sam and I at the Modesto Lighted Parade

When Sam and I went to Modesto’s lighted parade, I paid close attention to the entries once I realized it was another way to get to know the community. We’re slowly learning our neighbor’s names. When running with Fang on Modesto’s terrific rail-to-trail conversion through the center of town, I try to say ‘Good Morning’ to every one I pass. I’m not the only regular on the trail and we are starting to recognize each other, which is sweet. Modesto is full of friendly people, and some meet up on the trail for group walks and morning chats. Yesterday, several families met at the Roseburg Square picnic tables next to the trail to celebrate the new year. One family pedaled up in a Bunch Bike, so I had to say something to them about being from Denton.

Perhaps they were all part of the running club that sponsors the sturdy fitness equipment installed along the 10-mile trail. Hmm. Is this something for the calendar?

What’s your new year’s resolution?

I Really Want to Like the Kitchen, the reprise

Ten years ago, we moved out of a house with a big farm kitchen and into a house with a galley kitchen. It took me quite a long time to feel at home working in that space. I blogged about feeling scrunched, displaced and disquieted, despite how functional and well-appointed that little kitchen was.

Last month, we moved into a townhouse with a spacious kitchen that had been updated just like on HGTV. I confess, I’m a little surprised to be feeling the disquiet again. It’s been about six weeks now, and I still feel like I’m living and cooking in an AirBnB, even though we are working with with all our favorite cookbooks and gear in a spacious room.

First of all, I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this look is preferred, but if you spend any time in the real estate market these days, you’ll see it a lot. Since the photo below was taken, I’ve added Aunt Regina’s folk art to the walls and laid down colorful, homemade rugs.

California townhouse kitchen

We seem to be so starved for color that Sam and I keep reaching for the vintage plates to serve our meals, rather than the plain white china we’ve used for years.

I went back to that blog post to find out what else might be missing, looking for ideas why I might be feeling out of place in the room that anchors me best to a home.

When I wrote “I Really Want to Like the Kitchen” in spring 2015, I had not yet added the solar tube or the stained glass that improved the lighting. I hadn’t added the drawers that made the cupboard storage more accessible or replaced the double oven with an appliance that actually had room for large pans. Those things came much later.

Some of the current disquiet likely comes from working in a space that doesn’t seem to want to become familiar to me. (Except for our basic, yet so very competent Kenmore dishwasher.) I might be able to unravel this AirBnB feeling with similar cupboard improvements and a lighting makeover, including sufficient lighting over the workspace on that kitchen peninsula. I’m also really tempted lay down some Talavera tile and add some colorful hardware to the cupboards–perhaps something fish-shaped. But time and repetition should help those feelings of belonging, too.

When I blogged on this topic ten years ago, I reflected on the wisdom of ‘letting the reason be the reason.’ Sam and I have our reasons for being here in California, and for choosing a townhome in a gated neighborhood. They are good reasons and they haven’t changed simply because we executed the plan.

Yesterday, Sam added another reason that I think, ultimately, will help us feel like we belong. He said he’s met lots of people now and almost no one is crabby, especially when compared to Texas.

It wasn’t always that way in Texas, of course. But Sam made me think of little Gretl, in Sound of Music, asking Max why the Austrian army officer–newly re-minted as an officer in the Third Reich–was so cross. And kind old Max said, ‘because everyone is cross today.’

 

Comfort skills

If there’s a Maslow’s hierarchy to unpacking, Sam and I have worked our way up a level or two on the pyramid. We’re sleeping in our own beds, washing clothes, and cooking for ourselves. Last weekend, we played board games and rode bike. And, I started unpacking books and art.

Sam is setting up his room himself. Because he’s working full-time, he’s still got a lot to unpack. He’s in the master suite upstairs, so he can take his time. There’s plenty of room and his priorities are different.

He set up the internet on the first day. Last weekend, he tested the coaxial cables, to see where they lead. He also tested light switches. Ever since he was a toddler, pushing chairs up to the wall to flip light switches, Sam determines how a home is wired. Given the time, he will set the antenna and wiring to serve both his TV upstairs and my TV downstairs. No need to pay for cable or streaming. And, he’ll label the breakers in the box in the garage–always good in an emergency. (We have many light switches that do nothing in our new home. Maybe half the rooms have overhead lights, so perhaps ceiling fans, etc., were never installed when it was first built.)

I texted Shahla and told her that Sam was in his happy place, mapping the wiring in his head and doing his best to relay that map to me.

She texted back, “comfort skills.”

That’s an idea worth thinking about. When I wrote art reviews for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram years ago, I watched an artist draw the tiny grids that formed the foundation of her large canvases. Drawing the grids was meditative, she said. Her lines were smooth and beautiful. But if you looked closely, you could also see those moments when her pencil shifted a bit. Seeing those imperfections made looking at her work relatable and soothing, too.

Think of all the things we humans do that is both skillful and meditative: kneading bread dough, tying flies, spinning and knitting yarn, sanding wood, walking the dog. Work that can be ours alone. Engaging work, but not so challenging that we get overwhelmed by it. Work that we can do to feel competent and useful. Work we can turn to when we are ready to assert some control over our lives, for times like the one we’re in now.

What are your comfort skills?

‘Metamorphosis is for insects, Mom’

The past month has felt like a purgatory, with Sam now four weeks into his new job in Modesto and me back at the house, forever packing. If it weren’t for the occasional lunch out–and that Michael has come up twice, and Terri has spent a few days here, too–the days flow one into another, like during the pandemic.

Out in Modesto, Sam has good support at work and at home. He’s staying in AirBnB on the north side of the city. He can wash his clothes on the weekend, keep food in a small pantry and fridge, and charge his car at a fast-charge station nearby. We zoom chat just about every evening. There is always some document to sign as we move toward closing on a townhome in the next few days. But we play games and share a joke of the day, too.

This transition had a lot of moving and dependent parts, and not all of them came together. During my last night in Modesto, before leaving Sam to come back to Texas, I felt myself right on the edge. There was going to be no renting a house while leisurely looking for something to buy later. I’d watched the rental market for months, but it was not at all what it appeared. For a good 24-hour period, I put down wave after wave of panic attacks, something I had never experienced before. We were going to have to buy a place. And we’d have to buy fast.

The feeling was rather like the performance anxiety from my music days, but bigger. Much bigger. Hard to see. Hard to regulate breath and heartbeat. Hard to eat food.

That first week or so, as we were pivoting to this new plan, I was able to keep my mental health in check, but it wasn’t easy. Good self-care means more than keeping the yoga and exercise routine. It also means reaching out to friends and family.  I’m grateful that they responded with real strategies that helped solve problems, and with just general love and care.

I also have to detach from the busy chatter inside of my head. Once outside my head, I’m better able to closely observe physical feelings and to gather information, usually by reading. Anxiety often follows over-estimating a perceived threat while underestimating your ability to deal with it.

I confess, our life here in Denton had a nice routine that bordered on a rut. I let my critical thinking atrophy. I thought I was challenging myself, but not in ways that made me truly uncomfortable.

Sam, on the other hand, was absolutely blossoming out in Modesto. This decision was his. He enjoyed terrific support from his employer in exercising renewed control over his career. He went out with the real estate agent to pick the townhome we’re buying. He is building a new life that he likes and has a lot of agency over. For a brief period, I flirted with the idea of simply letting him fly on his own. Isn’t that what we want for all our kids?

For many reasons, financial and otherwise, I knew that wasn’t in the cards for us. But I thought we should at least talk about all the changes. As usual, I went for metaphor and allegory.

What did he think? Was all of this change maybe like coming out of a cocoon and becoming a butterfly?

“Metamorphosis is for insects, Mom,” he said.