Overheard in the Wolfe House #25
Sam: Fall is finally here.
Peggy: Yes, it’s just beautiful weather today.
Sam: It’s Canadian.
Live, and in person
Members of the DFW Parent-to-Parent team are sharing their wisdom and information about support available through Texas Parent-to-Parent at these upcoming events
Oct. 7-9
Texas State Autism Conference
Corpus Christi
Both Julie Rahn and I speak about parenting issues
autism.esc2.net
Oct. 21
Third Annual Parent Conference
Education Service Center Region 7
1909 N. Longview Street, Kilgore
Julie Rahn speaks about parenting issues
www.esc7.net
Oct. 30
Resources For Parents Conference
Tarleton State University
Fort Worth Campus – Hickman Building
6777 Camp Bowie Boulevard
Julie Rahn and I are speaking about parenting issues … and we’ll have an info table
njoyfoundation.org
Nov. 6
Walk Now for Autism Speaks
Ballpark at Arlington
We’ll have an info table, but we’re also setting up a homemade play-doh play station for the kids …
We’re making play-doh the way Sam likes it: purple smells like grapes, red like strawberries, etc.
www.walknowforautismspeaks.org
Impulse control
The University of Toronto came out with this beautiful little study about self-talk and impulse control.
All three of my children talk to themselves, not just Sam. However, when he started — as a tweener — his impulse control really improved. He likes to pace our wrap-around porch and talk.
I think I’m going to try that self-talk thing the next time I want seconds of pie and see how it works.
Overheard in the Wolfe House #24
Peggy: So how was school today for everybody?
Sam: uh-hm (still chewing, nods head)
Paige: Fine.
(pause)
Peggy: Well, I did my part. The parent handbook says to ask every day how school was.
Sam: Then you should ask how we like our classes.
Guidepost Six
Ethical treatment decisions are readily accountable. For many providers, that means “do good and take data.” For parents, that means a good treatment program with a well-trained provider is going to to have some measures that you can see and understand.
Those measurements will be organized, and accessible — even older data. You should be able to make decisions in a timely way based on the data, too.
Here are some helpful hints from Shahla on evaluating accountability, with my lay-person translation, to help you know what to look for:
1. Operationally defined, observable responses.
Let’s say you want to increase positive interactions between your child with autism and a sibling. There has to be a clear list of what’s going to be defined as a positive interaction. In some families, for example, roughhousing could be a positive interaction. Make sure you know what is going to be tagged and how it will be counted.
2. Reliable observation systems.
Researchers have actually studied how observation is done, in other words, asking the question, “is this what I would have seen if I had been there?” The best example I know of this is the claim that discrete trial training “recovered” children from their autism. Shahla told me once that she had seen video of the people who had gone through the discrete trial training with Lovaas and she could see the autism was still there. In other words, whatever they measured was a recovered skill, not a recovered person. Each person using the measurement system should be measuring in about the same way.
3. Muti-level observation systems.
Observation tools should handle both comprehensiveness and detail. Is there a tool that is evaluating the organization of the program? Is there a tool evaluating the activities? How about the interaction? For behavior analysts, video has proven to be valuable. For parents, that opportunity helps you see more objectively.
4. Social validity systems.
Look for a measurement system that lets you know whether your child is happy with the efforts and the effects. And maybe you, too.
5. Treatment fidelity systems.
Is someone measuring whether the treatment is being delivered in the manner it was meant to be delivered? There are always practical challenges in delivering a treatment. Measuring systems can ensure those challenges are being addressed.
Life, richly lived
More thoughts on Guidepost Five …
Catherine Maurice’s legendary tome, Let Me Hear Your Voice, hit the bookstores not long after Sam was diagnosed. Her book brought to life the groundbreaking research that discrete trials, a special kind of teaching by applied behavior analysts, helped kids with autism learn.
The only problem was, to “replicate” it at home, you had to have someone working with your child 40 hours a week on tasks like “give me the red block.”
I still roll my eyes at that possibility. Mark and I didn’t have that kind of money, first of all. And if we did, there was no one with the proper training to hire. It was still too new. And, most importantly to us, subjecting Sam to 40 hours a week of discrete trial training felt tantamount to abuse.
I’d read Kaufman’s book, “Son Rise,” too. They locked themselves in the bathroom with their child to effect the same sort of thing at home. We’d recognized there was ethical boundary in a treatment choice, just considering the way both those families tried to deliver what was known to be effective.
I fell into Maria Montessori’s method and decided we could approximate the 40-hour-a-week thing by changing our home to be like a Montessori school. Then, we spent every minute that we could with him as he played. In other words, naturalistic teaching. LOTS of naturalistic teaching.
I never logged the hours. But when he started kindergarten, I suddenly didn’t know what to do with myself with all these long, free blocks of time. In the end, it was probably more than 40 hours a week, but not one as a discrete trials.
Absolutely, the treatment choice affects your quality of life …
Overheard in the Wolfe House #23
(actually overheard at the football game)
Sam: Don’t eat that!
Connor Bateman: I’ve eaten a bug before.
Sam: I bet you barfed it right back up. (pauses) And don’t make me say that word again.
I would live in your love as the sea-grasses live in the sea …
.. I follow your soul as it leads.
Mark Wolfe, Sept. 17, 1956 … miss you baby.
Guidepost Five
Treatment providers know that good decisions about the treatment procedures selected for your child will affect the quality of life for your child, for you and for your family.
At the top of the checklist for every parent making treatment decisions on behalf of their child is to make sure the treatment has the most constructive, and least restrictive, impact on your child’s life. Make sure you are thinking long-term, with those whole-life considerations. Therapists don’t always think 20 years down the road, the way we parents do.
We want the best life for our child. As a result, you should actively participate in the planning of any treatment procedure. As your child grows and becomes more aware of the services being provided, start thinking about ways that he/she can participate in the planning as well.
Ask questions about the treatment procedure. How will it be assessed? Look for ongoing measures. What will the evidence be and how will it be evaluated? Look for principled thinking and wisdom, not just the latest-greatest-newest.
Then you can be sure you are giving informed consent.
The family way
More thoughts on Guidepost Four …
One of my worst runs as a parent came when Sam was about 12. Something about puberty turned his world upside down. In some ways, it was as if he was 3 years old again.
As in tantrums.
Over the course of several weeks, he slipped ever deeper into the habit of taking things out on his younger brother. I got between them many times to de-escalate an argument, but Sam wasn’t getting the message that his brother was not a punching bag. I took stock of his rages. They were getting worse, not better. Something about it was self-reinforcing — possibly because Michael would only throw up defensive blocks, he wouldn’t fight back. Sam would “win,” in other words.
I didn’t want to encourage Michael to fight back. Something about that felt wrong, more for Michael than for Sam.
Even though Sam was taller than me, I knew I could get the best of him once or twice, if I needed to keep Michael safe. I would have the element of surprise, but only once or twice, then our relationship would be ruined.
As usual, I was spending too much time thinking about it, but I didn’t feel like I was coming up with any decent strategies to fix the situation.
Of course, one afternoon it all came to a head, Sam was throwing a huge tantrum, with Michael as his target, and I knew, if I didn’t tackle him right then, Michael would have been hurt. I dove onto my son and pinned him to the floor and yelled at him, “Stop, stop, stop it right now, or you can’t live in our house anymore!”
Sam was terrified. He already had tears in his eyes from the tantrum, but now his eyes looked truly wild. It seemed to take forever for him to calm down and for me to feel like I could let him go, but he didn’t really resist much either. We tried to talk a little about what I said, but it wasn’t a good conversation.
Over time, I saw that he’d gotten the message that he was responsible for his behavior and he was not allowed across that line of physicality. When he got mad, he took his troubles to the porch and paced and talked to himself. The physical tantrums ended. But it cost me a fair amount of his trust for a while.
For several years, he’d occasionally ask about circumstances when someone couldn’t live with the family anymore. He was looking for the rules. Were they still the same? Does he still understand them?
I tried to give him the same message each time, essentially, ‘you probably don’t remember how badly you were hurting Michael, so I was pretty scared when I told you that. But you’re older now and you know we just don’t do that in the Wolfe family.’
That little mantra “how we do it in the Wolfe family” helped ground all our children and make them feel safe through the tween and teen years. They even put items on the agenda for family meetings that way. They’d articulate a problem, and then Mark and I asked them how they were going to solve it. They often had terrific ideas and the problem stayed solved.
That’s how we do it in the Wolfe family.