How each of us sees independence (and dependence) can vary within a family, community, and culture. Most children have a little spark in them that fosters their independence, strength, and resilience. (We might call it obstinate when we are seeking a little more cooperation!)

The way we all—teachers, parents, therapists—worked with my son as he grew up required his compliance in learning new things. Years of intensive, deliberate, purposeful, and fast work made him vulnerable to learned helplessness. We had to keep an eye out for it and address it when it showed up.

But we also discovered that the situations where we believed he had the least flexibility were actually the best places for him to build his strength and resilience. By the middle of high school, he was participating in his IEP meetings and we started learning how to step back.

Learning how to shift from caregiver to ally is worth another book (and I’m working on it.)

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I’m part of a group parents talking about joy and acceptance to behavior therapists in San Francisco. If you’d like to hear more, register here. You can also read more in Responsible and Responsive Parenting in Autism: Between Now and Dreams.